"…having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father…" a master of Mormon-fu.
As a child I watched my sensei as he applied the grace and skill of Mormon-fu in everyday life. My father’s skills and abilities were not unchallenged. There were other ways of living that confused me.
Upon reaching manhood, I set forth in the world to test my learned skills and limited knowledge of Mormon-fu. I wanted to test for myself whether my father’s teachings were true. Before I had mastered my surroundings I was thrust into a challenge for my integrity and the title match. The teachings of my father, the sensei, flashed before my eyes – all the powerful stances and moves itched to be unleashed.
This match could not be compared to a city title or a state title or even a national title. This was far greater than any of these for if I lost I would progress no more and my life would stagnate. However, with victory I would move closer to the ultimate prize – admission into the Celestial Dojo, never to leave, progressing and growing in skill and knowledge until perfection, being taught by the Great Grand Master of all man.
As I entered the locker room to prepare myself for competition and a fair fight, I was startled to see my opponent sliding into his murky black uniform. His name was Sato Satan of the Outer Darkness Devils Ryu. He was small and wiry and although I had heard of him before it sent a chill up my spine to see him. From what I could recall from my father’s teachings, Sato Satan’s greatest abilities were in speed and deception, mixed with foul play. I felt some of my power start to drain from me just by being close to him as his dark cold eyes glared at me but I foolishly shrugged it of as pre-fight butterflies.
Satan lost no time and began to work on me at first sight. He began taunting and provoking me to try and get me to attack him in the locker room and thus getting me disqualified even before the match began – losing my first estate. I gritted my teeth and with false bravado I said, “I will do my talking in the ring.” With a skin crawling cackle he mimicked me, “I will do my talking in the ring” and then with an icy glare and a quick smile he said, “We will see.”
As I was lead into the ring I was awed at the size of the stadium crowd and then shocked as I realized that they were laughing, mocking and pointing at me. The only ones cheering for me were to far away to recognize. I could now see I had been deceived and this was going to be a lot rougher than my prideful eyes had earlier perceived.
As the referee went over the ground rules some of the frenzied crowd jumped into the ring, knocking out the ref and dragging him away. As I watched dazed and helpless I vaguely heard the ring of a bell echo in my ears.
Satan wasted no time seeing my weak stance and confused gaze he attacked with a full frontal boot to the head – full of hate and malice caused by the loss of loved ones. This sent me reeling against the ropes as the crowd cheered. Quickly Satan was on me looking for the early knockout using a vicious combination of evil music. This took a lot out of me but in an unprecedented move I stood up and bore my testimony. Satan could see the lack of confidence in my defense and so he pulled out a blonde in a french-cut bikini. This staggered me, causing a deep slash across my chest.
I stumbled back and leaned heavily against the ropes but I was acting more dazed and hurt than I really was. As he came at me looking for the kill I spun and nailed him with a Hymn – “I Believe in Christ”. He struck blindly with a fast car but I blocked using a Triumph Spitefire with a burnt out clutch. Then I countered and wounded him with the power of prayer.
He tried desperately to bludgeon me with a startling combination of evil urges, backing me up, but I side stepped with a family that cares for me greatly. As he passed by me off balance I moved on the attack delivering a devastating uppercut with the power of the priesthood.
He was bleeding badly now as I attacked forcefully with a solid testimony of the Word of Wisdom. Confidence swelled inside me – suddenly he sidestepped and grabbed me with a boring speaker and into the sleeper hold I went. Fortunately I slipped out with a good spiritual fast and testimony meeting but I was visibly shaken.
He tried dropping me with a fishing trip on Sunday but that was a mistake – I don’t like fishing. This gave me enough time to center myself and I began to pepper him with a few quick trips to the temple jabbing him sharply with baptisms for the dead. He was on the run now as I threw a flurry of daily scripture study from the Book of Mormon. In my haste to finish him off I ran right into sports on Sunday. I swung back by getting a friend to tape the Super Bowl for me but I was noticeably stung.
He attacked again and again looking for weak areas in my defense. Repeatedly he used the weapons of drugs and pornography against me. I countered the best I could with faith, prayer and clean friends but I was paying a heavy toll with every mistake I made. His arsenal began to shrink as I was able to avoid his attacks with gospel knowledge and wisdom.
Suddenly there was a break in the combat. We circled each other both beaten and bleeding. How I wished I had followed my sensei’s advice and never gotten into this fight. As I quickly reflected upon what I need to accomplish in my life I remembered what the real goal in learning Mormon-fu was.
My inner strength swelled as I drew on a hidden power that was dormant within me since the age of 8 years old. As my inner strength built from this quiet gentle power I was prompted to attempt a power move I remembered my father telling me about but I had never tried.
The strength was there, the power flowing and I viciously launched my attack by accepting my call to serve a full-time mission, smashing the signature of a modern day prophet Ezra Taft Bensen into the head of my adversary. He wavered but did not fall. My attack continued as I pummeled him with service and love until the victory was attained.
By serving an honorable mission I had overcome the challenge and the match had been won. There will be many rematches but with obedience and strict training by the Grand Master Jesus Christ, I will make it to the Celestial Dojo.
(Mark Evans ... often misquoted and incorrectly attributed to Laurent Neu)